You know

I know. 

But I don’t know.

On the quiet days 

when breathing slows and my feet find the rhythm of the earth 

I can feel it pulling closer. 

The thing that was always meant for me.

Light, love, home. 

They are just different frequencies of the same pulse 

traveling toward the same coordinate.

I say it was meant for me because this was signed into existence 

at the very beginning of time itself?! 

While I was busy swearing that the silence meant nothing was happening because I wasn't there to force the pieces into place 

it was already in motion. 

Undeterred by my disbelief,

this light that knows my name kept moving.

It has been traveling a terrifying distance to find me. 

It has navigated the debris of dead planets 

and the crushing gravity of nascent galaxies 

drifting through the dark everythingness of creation. 

It got caught in the webs of time 

tangled in the long rivers of delay 

stalled by the mirages of my own doubt.

To me it felt lost. 

To me it felt late.

But there is a light so absolute that 

its arrival erases the history of the wait. 

It lands and the old pain simply dissolves. 

The universe resets. 

A new life begins...

With a sore thumb nonetheless!

The burdens we let go

The weight we carry isn’t always dropped with intent. 

Sometimes, it simply dissolves— a slow hemorrhage of detail until the palms are empty, and we haven’t even noticed the lightness.

These are the quietest farewells. No ceremony. No backward glance. Just a name dissolving into the static of a defunct motherboard.

I search now for a face etched into the architecture of a former life—a steady presence whose name has slipped through the cracks of time. A ghost locked within the green circuitry of a dead phone, gathering dust in the dark of a drawer. Beneath that cracked screen lies a fossilized version of me: twenty-four, anxious, standing in the cold, blue neon of a city that never stopped moving.

I remember the shared silence of the daily Mumbai train commute. The way the world turned hollow and reflective in the late hours. The vulnerability of being alone in the vast, silent dark, and the sudden, glowing ember of a stranger’s kindness. A reassuring look that wasn’t a mask. In a night that sharp and lonely, you learn to recognize the humidity of genuine humanity.

But life is not a circle; it is a displacement. 

We don’t return to the start; we only pivot from where we last stood. This is how we lose the child, how we shed the teenager—by simply moving toward a different horizon until the previous one is swallowed by the curve of the earth.

I used to be the one who clutched the ache, wondering how others could walk so freely while burdened by the gravity of so much loss. 

Silly, to think that holding on was the only way to honor the past.

The secret is in the transit. To move forward is to exhale. 

You look toward the next light, you take the step, and without a word, your hands have already let go.

Alex, the architect of our combined worlds

At 19, the syntax of the world becomes more deliberate,

a sequence of light and logic held within the glow of a screen.

You sit as the architect of your own quiet kingdom, Alex,

anchored by the crisp weight of a formal shirt, hidden from sight,

the tie a sharp, intentional line

against the soft blur of a wandering universe.

You do not seek the aimless exhaustion of the long walk,

the dust of roads that lead nowhere.

Instead, you find the sacred in the stationary:

the salt-etched geometry of French fries,

the dark, velvet gravity of a brownie,

and the thick, cold comfort of a chocolate shake.

In the familiar breath of Kiteblu,

or the steam rising at Cafe Gnocchi,

reality is not a thing that happens to you;

it is a landscape you compose.

On the wall, the Guitar Girl remains in her frozen, melodic grace.

She is more than pigment and canvas;

she is the silent resonance of Karen,

an imaginary presence of a past that once was, you’ve authored into being,

strumming chords that only the inner ear can catch.

And there is Idly,

the warm, living rhythm at your feet,

a companion who understands the beauty of the still moment,

the wag of a tail marking time

as you bridge the gap between design and soul.

Let the world spin its frantic, messy wheel.

You are busy building constellations,

one keystroke, one brushstroke,

one knotted tie at a time while you sit

to avoid shutting down the PC at 7:30 pm

In your striped t-shirt.

A meaningless puzzle?

The universe does not care that you forgot to pay your water bill.

It doesn’t care about your promotion, your heartbreak, or the fact that you’ve spent the last three hours doom-scrolling through the digital landfill of other people’s curated lives.

In the grand, silent theater of the cosmos, your entire existence is a rounding error... a brief, frantic spark between two infinities of darkness.

And that, quite frankly, is the most diabolical joke ever played on a sentient species.

 

You’re a biological prank

You are a collection of atoms that, through a series of increasingly improbable accidents, developed the ability to feel anxious about its own mortality. For four billion years, life on this damp rock has been a brutal, red-toothed relay race.

Your primate and even reptilian ancestors dodged asteroids, outran predators, and survived plagues just so they could pass a baton of scorched DNA to you.

And what do you do with this hard-won gift? You sit in traffic and wonder if you’re "living your best life".

Biologically, you are a meat-suit piloted by a chemical-soaked sponge. Your brain is wired for survival on the savannah, yet it’s forced to navigate tax codes and existential dread. 

 

We are the only creatures on Earth that know we are going to die, and we spend every waking second trying to pretend we don’t. We build cathedrals, write symphonies, and launch rockets into the void, all as a desperate "I was here" scratched into the bark of a tree that will be cut to be a piece of paper that’ll be shredded in sometime.

 

You’re a graveyard of ambition

Look back at history. It is a long, bloody ledger of people who thought they were the protagonists of reality:

• Ozymandias had his statues; now they are stumps in the sand.
• The Romans had their eternal city; now it’s a picturesque backdrop for tourists eating overpriced gelato.
• The Genghis Khans and Napoleons burned half the world to ensure their names would live forever, but a million years from now, the sun will still rise over a planet that has forgotten the sound of every human tongue.

We are standing on a pile of skulls several miles high, and we have the audacity to find ourselves "unique." Every war ever fought, every empire ever raised, every "unspeakable tragedy" is eventually reduced to a thin layer of compressed carbon in the Earth’s crust.

To the universe, the fall of a civilization is no more significant than a gust of wind blowing through a canyon.

 

You’re ‘scientific’ silence

 

Science used to be a comfort. It was the torch we held up to the darkness. But the more we learn, the more the darkness seems to grow.

We discovered that we aren't the center of the solar system. Then we found out the solar system is a speck in a galaxy of 400 billion stars. 

Then we realized our galaxy is just one of two trillion in the observable universe. We are living on a "pale blue dot" suspended in a sunbeam, surrounded by a vacuum so vast and so cold it defies human comprehension.

And then there is entropy. The Second Law of Thermodynamics is the ultimate cosmic "No." Every star will eventually burn out. Every galaxy will drift so far apart that the night sky will become a perfect, terrifying black. The universe is heading toward a state of maximum disorder, a "Heat Death" where nothing happens, forever.

The universe isn't just indifferent to you; it is actively erasing the possibility of you.

 

So, where does that leave us?

If history is a graveyard and science is a countdown to a cold, dark room, seeking "meaning" seems like a fool’s errand. 

We look for signs in the stars, but the stars are just nuclear furnaces millions of light-years away. 

We look for purpose in our work, but our work is just a way to trade our finite hours for pieces of paper we can use to buy things to distract us from our finite hours.

But here is the twist: the punchline that makes the joke worth it.

The very fact that you are a glitch in the system is what makes you a god. In a universe governed by cold equations and dead matter, you are a point of light that can think. 

You are the universe’s way of looking in a mirror and saying, "Huh, so that’s what I look like."

The lack of inherent meaning isn’t a prison; it’s a blank check. If the universe didn’t give you a purpose, it means you don’t owe the universe anything. 

You are free to invent a meaning that is entirely, selfishly, and beautifully yours:

• Meaning is the taste of a perfectly ripe mango or a peach or a strawberry or a blueberry.
• Meaning is the way the light hits the floor at 4:00 PM on a Tuesday.
• Meaning is the irrational, defiant act of loving another person even though you both know it may end in grief.

We are ghosts driving machines made of stardust. We are the only part of the cosmos that can laugh at the absurdity of it all. 

To seek meaning in the "big picture" is to miss the point; the big picture is a vacuum. The meaning is in the pixels. Maybe.

 

That’s it!

The crisis ends when you realize that "mattering" is a human invention. The universe doesn't need you to matter. It just needs you to be.

You are a temporary arrangement of matter that has been granted a backstage pass to the greatest show in existence. You can spend your time worrying about your seat, or you can watch the performance before the lights go out.

So, stand on your tiny rock. Look up at the billions of cold, dead suns. Feel the crushing weight of history and the terrifying scale of the void. And then, do something purely, pointlessly human:

• Make a cup of coffee. 
• Hug a friend. 
• Write a poem that no one will read in a thousand years.

The universe is a vast, empty house. But for a few decades, you get to be the one who leaves the lights on.

You, matter

Consider the dust mote floating in the shaft of afternoon sun.
It navigates the air like a hull-less ship on a frantic ocean,
obeying currents of heat we cannot feel,
turning invisible the moment the light shifts two degrees to the west.
You're not so different from that suspension.

You're are the brief interruptions in the long, monotone hum of geology,
flickering with the same terrifying brevity
as a match struck in a cavern larger than the dark.

And yet, imagine the silence of a library without the turning of a single page.

Imagine the ocean without the friction of the wave against the rock.

There is a strange, quiet weight to being small.

If the universe is a sprawling, infinite fabric,
then you're the tension in the thread,
not the pattern itself, but the strain that holds the weave together.

Think of the comma in a sentence written by a giant.
It has no sound of its own,
it is merely a pause, a breath, a tiny, hooked mark
dwarfed by the nouns and verbs that surround it.

But without that pause,
the meaning collapses into noise.

To be insignificant is to be the vessel, not the water.

It is to be the dark space between the stars that allows the light to travel.

You matter not because you persist,
but because for a fraction of a second,
you're the only place in the cosmos
where the universe could look at itself and ask,
“What am I?”

Presence

I am rediscovering that life's profoundest meaning is found in raw presence: to be rooted in the world through vivid sensation and fully alive within one's own physical self.

What we inhabit now is its bleak antithesis: a state of semi-conscious languor, a perpetual, desensitizing bath in the digital amniotic fluid of dopamine's relentless cravings, spikes, pursuits, and collapses. 

We become deaf, mute, and sightless to the world, nourished only through the narrow conduit of calculated algorithms, subsisting on intensely processed, ultra-palatable, bite-sized content. 

In this abandonment of genuine work, we simply atrophy.

True living demands engagement: to craft what is real and palpable, feeling its texture pressed into our fingertips. It calls for the painstaking, humble effort of observing the world in its exhaustive detail—memorizing its myriad names, listening to its ceaseless, ordinary hum. 

It is about an unending fascination with the minute mechanics of existence, moving beyond the fleeting thrill of sensational, superficial explorations of the grand philosophical questions, the facile sampling of grand experiences, or the tentative dabbling in grand relationships.

To live is to embrace the effort, to accept the work. It is to extend oneself outward and discover the world echoing your existence in countless dialects: the welcoming melody of the Red-Whiskered Bulbul, the brilliant splash of the Cardinal's orange, the scent released by the fragile, tissue-paper blossoms of the Tabebuia Roses tree.

In a million subtle ways, the world affirms: "You exist. You are here. You are present."

The path to ecstasy begins simply, barefoot in the grass.

It starts by anchoring firmly to sensation and to our own body, so that when our existence brushes against anything external—the strange, curious shapes of the world—we know precisely where our boundary ends and where its mystery begins.

47 and counting wishes

The light shifts. Always shifting. 

And in its changing, I find you, 

Over and over, a constant, 

Yet ever-unfolding landscape. 

Not just the woman of 47 yesterday, 

but every intricate layer beneath.

I see the younger woman who first captivated me, 

A flicker of unburdened joy, 

A certain fearless curiosity in her eyes that still sparks, 

Sometimes, when she thinks no one is looking.

And a bit older woman who built, 

Stone by careful stone, 

This quiet sanctuary we inhabit, not just walls, 

But a shared understanding deeper than any foundation. 

The one who wrestled with shadows and emerged, 

Not unscathed, perhaps, 

But richer, more incandescent.

There are moments, 

Brief catches of breath, when I glimpse the quiet woman, 

The one who sees beyond the obvious, 

Who navigates currents I sometimes miss. 

And the fiercely tender protector, 

Her heart a vast, warm ocean for those she loves.

We've walked through seasons. 

The sharp clarity of winter, 

The hesitant bloom of spring, 

The long, generous stretch of summer, 

And the reflective hues of autumn. 

Each one leaving its mark, 

A subtle deepening of the lines around her eyes, 

A new grace in her movements. 

These aren't just years passing; 

They are layers accumulating, 

Like the rings within an ancient tree, 

Each one telling a story, 

Adding to the profound, quiet strength I lean into.

So today, as the sun begins its arc, 

Or perhaps as dusk gathers its soft cloak, 

I honor the women inside you. 

The visible, 

The unseen, 

The woman I know so intimately, 

And the beautiful mysteries I am still privileged to uncover. 

You are not just time lived, 

But a profound, ongoing revelation

Of spaces that can form a human.