Mein kya hu?

Mein wahin hu
Joh badhti hui aag mein
Paani daaltha chala gaya.

Mein wahin hu 
Joh bin kuch kahe hii
Kaafi kuch suntaa gaya.

Mein wahin hu
Joh dur se hii logon ke
Paas aata chala gaya.

Mein wahin hu
Joh bin matlab ke hii
Matlab samjatha chala gaya.

Mein wahin hu
Joh kuch kiye bina hii 
Parayo ka apna bantha gaya.

Haan, 
Mein wahin hu
Joh apno se hii 
Apno ke liye ladtha chala gaya.

251

Long ago, I remember Prashant reciting a very fear evoking poem at our school elocution. It went something like this... "Fear, Oh little hunter! This is fear!"

I still, however, remember the way he recited that poem. His voice modulations and changing tones actually got me goosebumps back then. I visualized myself as a hapless little hunter in the deep, dark forest.

Over the last few weeks, there's an innate sense of fear. Of the unknown. Of the strange. Of changes. Of things new. Of people and relationships. Of the past meeting the present and the present being apprehensive of the future. 

As my little-known life trudges on, in about ten days from now, I'll reach a milestone in my mundane life. 

No, I don't think of it as a crossroad. It's a milestone because I am sure it's for the better. It'll be a turning point. Where my life turns for the better... where two like-minded souls come together to create meaning of their individual lives, to share their stories of the past and write a new story together.

That was my eternally hopeful, realistically optimistic mind speaking. Once in a while, but fear creeps in. Fear that stops my dreams. That stops my mind and heart from reaching out and talking it out. Fear that stops my writing. 

What if I don't make it large? What if we don't make a great life out of this coming together? What if I don't play an 'ideal husband's role' well? What if I don't prove to be a good father in the future? What if financial obligations and expectations create unnecessary frictions? What if we lose our ambitious life together to paying bills and loans and other such realities of my sad, inherited economical situations? 

We both have learned our lessons from the past. From non-examples. From unrepeatable situations. From what-could've-beens. From what-ifs!

Then, like a ship on sail, my mind steers course. It wavers here and there on over the rough seas and tides. It chugs along pulling all the wagons of my train of thought over the steepest inclines. 

It whistles. It can see the time and space conundrum coming together. This is unlike most weddings. Unlike our earlier weddings. This marriage is not just a new beginning for two individuals but it means a lot more. Not just for us but for our parents, our brothers, and all our well-wishers. 

There's a lot of thought, anguish, pain, and hope that has gone towards making this marriage a grand event in our lives. There's been sacrifice and lost loves. There's been understandings, misunderstandings, tears of sorrow and tears of joy. 

As I write this, my heart heaves and sighs. It hopes and prays for us. It wishes us the very best as it goes over all the moments in our independent lives that brought us together. :-)

May this marriage be the beginning of our inner quest where we discover each other in ourselves. And more importantly, discover ourselves in each other.