To TVMalai

Early morning on Saturday, I headed out to Thiruvannamalai (TVMalai). In a PP bus for just Rs.55 one way!

This was my first trip alone to TVMalai.

It rained and drizzled all the way. I reached at 11.30am and took a rickshaw straight from the bus-stand to Guru’s temple. I was there just in time for the last aarti before he closed the nada.

It felt really good meeting him after such a long time. He had not changed a bit. He had slimmed down a bit… and I missed his long hair!

The innocent, charming smile, the happy-to-see-you look was there as usual.

I told him about all the recent developments (how she left me… how she told me that she can be my teacher and me her student; the idea of redefining the relationship… etc. etc.)

He laughed at that! He was shocked. He said, “I knew you both were in love, but I never disclosed that I knew it!” We smiled. We communicated in broken Tamil, English, Malayalam, a bit of body and sign language too! It was awesome communicating like that… and we understood each other so clearly…

Then, we had lunch together.

We talked and lot of truths came to light. He said that at 32 (NOT 45) I’ll attain something… that will bring me fame and wealth and stuff like that. He said I’ll attain new levels of spirituality and meditation… but said that I’ll never become a sanyasi, as I did not have that yogam.

I specifically asked him whether it is 45 or 32… and he said 32! I asked will I have a so called affinity towards women till the age of 45, and he said, “no nothing like that!”

I realized that I had been misinformed earlier.

I asked him about the rituals I have to perform at Tiruchendur to remove the sarpa dosham. I noted the tasks in the order to be performed.

Then, I asked him to check my horoscope with respect to Leena’s horoscope, the woman who loves me (in spite of me being me). He did all the calculations… it turned out fine. “All 12 planets match,” he said!

He said, “I have just three years more; 2009 death. Then, I will take rebirth!” I was stunned. Something hit me. He continued, “I received signal from my guru… before that I have to conduct satsangs…”

We agreed, “Tatasthu! May the will of God prevail.”

Then, he asked me about Leena. Our story.

I told him:
“Leena waited for me because she knew that I’ll come back to her. Love, like God, works in strange ways… I don’t know whether I deserve her.

I went back to her not because I was afraid to start my life afresh but because I feel that everything happens for a reason. I crushed my ego and asked her whether she still loves me… and she said, “Come back to me.”

That was the most magnanimous gesture I have ever experienced in life and I could not say no. I knew I had to answer a lot of people and many would never understand… (because they have never been where you have been).”

He understood in his own silent way.

He talked to Leena over the phone and cleared all her hypothetical doubts and queries. They bonded over the phone, and he invited her to come and meet him personally. Such a nice man… he treats all equally.

He shares all his knowledge to all who seek. He was about to make Sri Chakra yantra for a person who had come to meet him. That guy belonged to his native place, Srirangam! He was staying in TVMalai for the past eight months and met him only on Saturday! Strange are the ways that God weaves his magic!

While my guru was busy with the horoscope calculations… he introduced me to Thyagu… Thyagu had worked as an officer with HSBC in Malaysia. He left everything and came to India seeking spirituality, peace, and oneness with nature.

Thyagu and I talked on world economics (I did not know I could talk about economics till then!), and nature, and philosophy. He asked me a queer question, “Do I look like a sadhu to you?” I did not answer.

Thyagu showed me a poem he had translated from my guru’s works:

Shiva is the divine father,
Devi is the divine mother,
Adi Shankara is the divine teacher,
And you and I are the divine child.

Wow!

I left feeling happy, relieved, and peaceful. My guru once cleared my doubts for me. He showed me the path and the truth. Oh, I was such a fool!

Anyways, like a zen master once said: “To be what you are, you sometimes have to be what you are not.”

I am sorry because in that process I hurt you, baby. And I feel so foolish… that I will never be able to forgive myself.

Before parting, I said, “Life is our only teacher!” “Avaladaan” he exclaimed!

Opposites

Every religious truth I have seen and experienced talks to me about union of:
• the male and the female.
• the light and the non-light.
• the positive and the negative.

The oneness of being is all that the yin and the yang depicts. The shiva linga engulfed in the yoni pitha shows the same. When two opposing forces meet and become one, the entire universe dances.

All of physics and chemistry shows how elements react with one another to become stable. To become a new identity altogether each losing its own properties in the process. To take on an entirely new set of properties.

What happens then: equilibrium or disequilibrium?

I don’t know.

But, I guess, it’s something like twilight. The skies express themselves in the most beautiful colors during twilight. I think it is rasa laya. Beautiful, incredible, unintelligible: full of friction, full of sweet poison, the love that consumes, the intercourse that never ends, two souls entwining to become one. Interplay of passion and desire.

One dies, loses oneself, and is born in the other’s self. Extension of self is what is depicted by shiva-parvati in the form of ardhanarishwara. Perfect process of ‘you’ in ‘me’; ‘me’ in ‘you’. Results in ‘us’.

Not just sexually, but in every aspect of life.

My first enlightenment was when I realized that sex, along with sexual intercourse, is the most intimate form of love, spirituality, and oneness that we can experience. Which is why it has since then been a very pure, holy, and sacred ritual for me.

A ritual to worship the Shakti in you. For you to worship the Shiva in me. Because without us, they don’t exist. They live inside us. Dying to become one with each other through us.

Through us, they experience themselves.

My linga and your yoni are the real windows to our souls. Our souls are our only connection to Godliness and consciousness.

- Abhilash Warrier.
Dated: 9.6.2005.

Moments...

Chingari koi bhadke toh saawan use bhujaye...
Saawan joh agan lagaye, use kaun bhujaye?

Koi yeh kaise bataaye ki woh tanha kyon hain
Woh joh apna tha wohi aur kisika kyon hain
Yehi duniya hain toh aakhir aisi yeh duniya kyon hain
Yehi hota hain toh aakhir yehi hota kyun hain?

Just heard these awesome, sublime lines from two awesome, sublime love stories... Amar Prem and Arth.

Sung by Kishore Kumar and Jagjit Singh, respectively... these songs now evoke a deeper understanding in me. I feel better when I listen to these songs... I did not sing along. I purely listened.

Life sometimes presents such beautiful moments. Moments, which you would choose to live or observe as a bystander?

In my life, I had never been a bystander. I had always lived each and every moment.

Now, I choose to be a bystander and:
look how life weaves its own pattern.
watch where my feet plant its footprints.
listen to my favorite songs, and not sing along.
ponder about poetry rather than read it.
seek inside rather than outside.

For the first time, I know what I want from life. I know what I want.

I was taken on a ride. My roller coaster ride is over.

I know I am free. Because I hold no grudges, no guilt, and no pity.

I realize that I should love what deserves love. I realize that I should believe in my own truth. For there is no other truth than my life, which is my only teacher.

Scary

Four days. Three deaths.
Who’s next? You ask.

Dad’s in the hospital.
Breathing heavy just like you.

Mom’s crying.
No one to call. To talk to.

You feel like the day you were born. All alone.
All your nightmares seem a heartbeat away.
Life goes on without a reason.

You pull. It pushes.
You cry and it laughs back.

Who’s out there?
Just a void.
Just a reflection.

Another apparition.
Another vision.
More voices.

Another black, dull evening passes by.
After a warm, humid afternoon.
Just like the day before.

You wait.

Nothing happens.
Nothing to say. Nothing no more.

You need money. Never wanted it before.
It doesn’t get scarier than this.

- Abhilash Warrier.
Dated: 23.2.2004.

A bridge fell down

Once upon a time,
I used to cross a bridge across
the railway tracks.

People from all walks of life
Crossed it to get somewhere, I think.

Lovers hatched conspiracies,
Friends met and laughed,
Some times, I think, the
Whole world crossed this bridge.

Across space and time,
It weathered,
Cracked and swung.

On the bridge.
A drunkard
Shouts at his wife.

A mother beats her child
On his way from his maddening school.

Another woman
Slaps a lecher.

I see this everyday.
Like a live motion picture.

This bridge was my home.

Today, the bridge fell down.

Taking down all:
The drunkard, the mother,
And the kid on his way back from school.

All, except me.

Why did the bridge fall down?
Why in the middle of the day?
Why not in the dead of the night?

Anyways, where is the nearest bridge?
My next home?


Dated: 13.05.2004.
- Abhilash Warrier.