Churning

As I stood listening to the random sounds coming from the TVs of other people’s houses, looking out of my window, beyond the safe grills, I wonder what more exists out there.

I spend sleepless nights wondering why greatness is thrust upon me. When life throws up some certain questions and I don’t know why certain people appear in my life the time they appear.

I have no answers. No advice is valid, reasonable, satisfactory, or enough. And I lead dual lives. I am so afraid that I want life to start anew, afresh. I want to go back and unwind myself along with the clock. The idiot keeps ticking. There is nothing more I hate than self-contented people.

I am afraid of people knowing. Afraid of people not supporting me. Not understanding me. When my own brother doesn’t know what to say; I know he’s never been there where I have been. Why do I love so much so many times?

The answer; I cannot just shrug it off. I cannot leave it for the future. There are people who expect from me. Things that I don’t want to deliver now. My guts are missing. All my theories are buried. And I don’t practice what I preach.

All my life I’ve hated this; the indecisive moment’s decisions. It has caused me a lot of suffering and to others a lot of pain. I write; they can’t even do that.

God will forgive me my sins. I know I committed them knowingly. Help me forgive myself every morning when I see the mirror.

Yet, I choose to walk the path of fire, play the game of dice with god. And the biggest trouble is when I win and god loses sometimes.

For this time, I’ve won. I feel lonely, cold, afraid, insane, peaceless, and churning inside.